[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Monday, January 6th, 2003|
|Wednesday, July 17th, 2002|
|Fuck Everything And Run...
I don't remember the last time my parents were so angry with me. I went to family-therapy(spare me) yesterday with a few hickeys on my neck and i thought my dad was going to have a full blown aneurysm right there in the wating room in front of everybody. When we got into the office it was even worse, he started accusing me of being a slut and saying that i was going to "burn through all of the guys at my school before summer-school ends". What a fucking prick. And it really makes no sense to me(and makes me really fucking angry) that my parents would choose this time to be asking about my sex-life, when for years, it was really much more flamboyant and much more of a problem. When my dad found out i was doing coke and failing out of school he wasn't this mad. It just goes to show you that parents have no fucking clue about shit about shit about shit, and in the end will do much more damage than they are worth. Current Mood: pissed off
|Monday, July 15th, 2002|
|life is one big let-down
Does anyone ever have the feeling that no matter how much you drink, how many people you fuck, how many pills you pop...that things will never be ok? I always want someone when i dont have anyone, and when i do have someone, no matter how great they are, its never enough. When i dont have a boyfriend, all i do i think about what could be wrong with me and how to get into a stable relationship, and now that i have someone(hook-up, constant, boyfriend, insensitive pig...whatever you want to call them) im still lonely and bored and searching for someone who has a higher level of perfection than the current one. And its not like this is something that i enjoy doing. Like a cherished past time(it aint no sport fuckin). Im with this one guy whos pretty and has muscles and tattoos and talks dirty, another who reminds me of my first real boyfriend who bleaches his hair spends money on me like its nothing and holds doors open, and another who kisses me with a mouth clean enough to tonguekiss his mother. Theres the sensitive ones, the hardcore ones, the ones who want you to meet their mother, the ones who want to be your mother, the kinky, the confused, the shy, the tie-me-up-and-beat-me, the bankers with wives and children my age, and the normal ones with normal jobs conventional lifestyles who are really super nice to me and ultimately, bore the fucking hell out of me.
|Tuesday, June 25th, 2002|
|what the hell happened...
i cant remember half of last night or what i did. all i remember is trying to write in this thing and it took me over an hour. i kept on getting lost and confused with my words that made no sense. and at one point i thought little people were crawling out of the keyboard. i cant imagine what i said to that poor boy at the book store. Current Mood: blank
|Monday, June 24th, 2002|
|i like ambien...
my doctors just put me on ambien and i think i might have taken a little too much.
Tonight,while I was on my way comming back from walking my mom to her therapy session, i had the biggest craving for anything out of the heat. i wound up in a starbucks, hunched in a corner, people strangly eyeing my perscrtption bottle and strangly eyeing me. So i got the hell out of there(sadly it's like the only place that will let you just sit in some nice AC). i started to wander where i live, or near it and I was almost home when i started to feel anything, so i decided to act on some of my impulsive behavior. And the sad little expierence that resulted in my new-found confidence (in nothing), made clear to me why life as a hermit or troll under a bridge can be very nice and wonderful. The store i was passing was a bookstore that i used to go to fairly frequently, but not because of the selection of books. The selection of men is what i was interested in, namely one with cute blue eyes. Before i had ever been sent to any of the treatment centers that ruined my life, when i was going out at night because that was what was expected of me(not like socially or anything-i never tought of that stuff) but beyond occasional bad days, i always had someone in my life, even if we would just kiss in th middle of the street and never see eachother agian. One day i just walked in, not expecting anything, and saw this beautiful creature sitting behind the desk.Zac. i gave him my number, kinda maybe thinking that he would not be a total asshole and just fucking call me. but he didnt, and he scoffed when i passed by....its really not his fault im having ....i cant finish what im saying. i mean i want to but i think the ambien is clotting my brain...the thing that i was trying to convey was how sad and broken it feels to see people who i used to date or who thought i was hot and said so...and tonight he looked at me that resembled disgust....
i cant explain how hard it is to type right now. i cant focus on anything because little fingers and kids are running in and out of the keyboard....
how long have i been writing in this thing? it feels like years......i think i need to laydown or go watch something interesting like the home shoping netwark. Current Mood: confused
I cant sleep. Its been days, and all i can do is stay up all night and all day and watch infomercials. its fucking awful. And not only can i not bear the idea of sleep, i cant handle being awake anymore either. The onlt true moments of comfort are when i am parked infront of the TV, watching pay-per-view. Its very discouraging.
I was avioding my cross country-girlfirend's call for over a week, leaving her comptelty clueless as to what the fuck was going on, then when i finially called her and told her that i didnt think the situation was working, i thought i made a mistake. Its always better to have someeone than no one at all. so i fucked up on that one, and even though i was completly uninerested, im fully bitter. and since im so antisocial latley, she was really one of my only contacts to the outside world(even if it was 3000 miles away...the world is so much nicer from a distance). goddamn it.
so i feel really pathetic, all i want to do is be normal agian, to leave my house at 12 and not come back for a few days, but i dont remember how to function anymore. this is what happens when your parents send you to rehabs, and wilderness probrams, and a fucking all-girls grouphome for over a year. i dont remember who i was, and more importantly, how to get out of bed in the moring. Current Mood: bitchy